iParenting.com

August 2007

Most middle school students transitioning to high school are worried about the three "L's":

1.Lost and late – "I can't find anything!"

2.Lunch – where and who to sit with

3.Locker – finding it and opening it

As parents these may seem like "little things" but to teens, being lost and late, eating lunch and dealing with lockers are "big things" in middle schools, according to Jeff Wolfsberg, a prevention specialist based in Canton, Mass. "The most challenging transition may be from middle school to upper school because of the confluence of changes that are social, emotional, cognitive and physical," he says. "It is also considered a key transitional period as it relates to exposure to drugs and other risky behavior."

Wolfsberg, the best-selling author of the CD, Mom, Have You Ever Tried Drugs?, advises parents to not overreact to the ups and downs of this transition. "Be emotionally supportive by listening and asking follow-up questions about what your child just said to assure them you are tuned in, connected and available, if needed. When they know an adult cares, they'll reach out and ask for help when the time comes. If they know you're not listening, they won't seek support. Who would?"

Following are other suggestions from experts on helping your teenager through the transition to high school.

Remind Them They're Not Alone

Those first-day fears are real for middle schoolers taking the leap to high school. Remind your child that he or she is not alone and that their anxieties are normal, says Dr. Jennifer Brout, a child psychologist in New York City, N.Y. "Tell your child that even if he or she feels anxious that it won't hurt them. Anxiety is a normal human response, and it will pass. Remind your child that nobody will know they're nervous."

To help ease their anxieties, tell your child stories about when you or their sibling went to middle school for the first time. Then reassure them that they are ready for this experience. Remind them of all they've already been through.

"Explain that there are adults there to help your child if he or she has questions," Brout says. (Name these adults specifically – teachers, guidance counselors and so on.) "Reassure your child that no matter what, nothing that happens the first day of middle school will be the end of the world. Help them to put this event in perspective. Of course, remind your child that even though he or she is entering middle school, you are still there for them no matter what."

Help Them Make Connections

It could take up to seven weeks for an adult to make a connection with a child. It usually takes about seven seconds for a child to connect with another child. That's an important fact for parents to keep in mind when their son or daughter is transitioning to middle school, says Jon Froh, an English teacher at Onalaska High School in Wisconsin. "Any time a child makes a connection with someone who has been through the pitfalls of school before, that will help the new student find success," says Froh, coordinator for link crew, a program at his school that connects high school students as mentors with incoming middle school students.

For parents whose children will attend school without a structured mentor program, you can help them feel connected to another teen through a sibling or an older friend. In the meantime, take advantage of attending with your child any orientation programs or back-to-school nights offered. Gather together as much information as possible, and take a tour of the school and campus so your child can familiarize himself with the environment.

It's also important for them to make connections and to get involved with school activities – academics, the arts, sports or clubs. "The more invested they are in their school, the better their futures will be," Froh says.

Dr. Sharon Fried Buchalter, a clinical psychologist and family and marriage therapist based in Boca Raton, Fla., echoes Froh's comments. It's important for your children to be in involved in extracurricular activities at school and in the community, such as charity work and volunteering, Buchalter says. They develop skills that can help them throughout their lives through these activities.

Keep Communicating with Them

The key to easing the transition from middle school to high school is to have a healthy, open dialogue about going back to school, Buchalter says. "Engage in discussions about your children's friends, classes and activities for the coming school year. Sit down with your children and discuss the subject of budgeting their time between homework, friends and extracurricular activities."

The issues incoming middle school students will face with increased academic and social pressures are real. During this important time, keep the lines of communication open with your child and their teachers. "Asking a child questions about their school day or his social life is one thing – getting the answers is another," Froh says. "Parents need to constantly find ways to effectively communicate with their child. The students that have found social and academic success or avoided pitfalls of school life typically have open communication with their parents."

At the end of the school day, keep your school children at the top of your list. "For both young and older children, it is vital to sit down with them after they return from school and discuss the day," Buchalter says. "Ask them if they have any concerns or questions. For shyer children, you may need to probe."

As parents, ask if they need any advice, such as on friendships, or if they need any help, such as with homework. "Be there and be available for your children," Buchalter says. "That's the best thing you can do to help them. Provide them with unconditional love."